From April 10, 2007
Tonight I feel like writing, some poetry, about life and all my thoughts. But really how can I describe this life, in some sort of original way, how can I explain a moment, how can anyone? What can I say that hasn’t already been said, do what hasn’t already been done, what can I attempt to analyze what hasn’t already been? I fail to find words to describe what’s on my heart.
This world just seems so empty full of empty emotions, empty laughter and humor, just emptiness in general. We fill our lives with empty meaninglessness everyday, I just think of all the surveys I see and fill out, and I think: what futility, what a waste of time. We just selfishly fill out every question about ourselves, does anyone even read them, no most of them don’t read them, they just copy and paste them so that they can one about themselves.
Such a waste, such a waste, all of this is, all of this entertainment. It’s like we try to fill up our lives with so many things, so we can forget reality, forget sorrow, forget our misery, forget our fate. We drown ourselves with noise, hoping to forget how depressed we are inside. But eventually the lights go off, the tv turns off, the computer shuts down, the music fades, and we are left allow in the quiet with the same dull, empty, lonely feelings.
The world is so shallow, it never fills but we want more, we keep going back for more, we try finding something in it, some meaning. When we get lonely some minds try to wonder, to better things, some start to lust, they lust the love that our hormones crave, but when we get it, we just want more. We are never satisfied; the millionaires covet the billionaires, the billionaires covet the trillionairs. It’s such a depressing world, no wonder why so many try to escape it, but that’s no cure either. All they do is for fit any hope at all and add grief to the ones who tried to care, tried and did love them. I’m not one to do that, for there is hope, we just look in the wrong places.
To think somebody died tonight, I don’t know who it was, or anything about that person, I just know they died, their life on this planet has ended. Death is such a sad ugly thing, yet people never seem to grasp it’s full implication, and seem to be way too immune to it. People play it in games, see it in the movies, joke about it. Maybe that helps people to ignore it in real life.
As long as it’s not someone too close to you, it seems to be easy to move on, like the girl at my work who committed suicide, who’s been on my mind a bit the last couple weeks.
It’s now about 3 or 4 weeks since it happened and everything seems to be going on just like it always had. Granted you don’t always know what people are really thinking, but I think in general that everyone at work has gotten over it, at least on the outside. I’ve been thinking about that girl, I didn’t really know her, she was so quite and worked in a different area then me.
Still I wonder what influence I could have had on her, if I could have been bolder in my faith, maybe like Paul, or even just been more friendly and outgoing to everyone there. Would that have changed her decision, would it have given her hope? Who knows and most likely there’s nothing I could have done, but still there’s something haunting about it.
It reminds me how life is so short, and you don’t know how much longer you have with anybody you come in contact with. It haunts, or rather, inspires me to live my life like it’s my last day, even though each day I’m too scared to do so.
I still wonder what thoughts were going through her head, and why did she do it? Why? Had she given up hope? Had she been depressed like we all seemed to have been at point or another, but just took it one step further then we’ve dared to go?
The only hope one can have in life is God. Think about it, with out a God what hope do we have? If there is no God everything is just a meaningless waste of time, all of this monotony, everyday routines, all our traditions, why am I doing it if I’m just going to end up sleeping for eternity, what is the point of doing this all?
What motivation to I have to be good or follow laws, if there’s no God, if nobody catches me, who would ever know? All they’d be doing is just ruining my enjoyment of life, for isn’t that what life is, just a survival of the fittest? Why shouldn’t I have the right to steal from the weak? Without God who’s to tell me what’s right and wrong? It’s up to man to make rules of moralities without God, so I’m man, why can’t I make up my own rules?
Or does it go by the majority, if the majority says it’s right it makes things ok, so if man says stealing, murder, adultery, is all ok, it makes it right? What else can you accept with God, just a grim fate of temporary enjoyment.
But no, there’s something inside us that screams for justice, truth, honesty, but why, why do we all agree murder is wrong, is it just a coincidence. Why do we humans seek a god of any type, where did we get that idea? Just that we’re able to think about the idea of God is evidence for God’s existence.
Why do so many humans of all walks of life, even those who are separated from the rest of humanity, have this idea of god? Why do we all have the need to love and be loved, could it be that God put it in our hearts love and be loved by Him? And could it be, the reason why the world’s so dull and empty, is because apart from God nothing can fulfill us, and He made that way so we might seek Him and be saved from our depression. Because when we seek Him and have enjoyment in Him we can really have true enjoyment in the other things he has made.
Yet in our resistance we have ruined what He has made. We try to find enjoyment in God’s creation as long as God’s not apart of it. Then when we’re not happy we just blame God for it, even though He’s the only thing that gives us true joy. Not the temporary highs of the moment, but a deep, long lasting joy, the kind of joy that when everything else fails it’s still there, in ways words can’t describe.
It’s funny how people can ignore God and push Him away, and then when something bad happens wonder where He was. The thing is people don’t realize how sinful they actually are and how so undeserving they are of anything from God. In fact God wouldn’t be any less unloving and caring to send everyone to hell right now, because that’s what we deserve. We are the ones who rebelled against Him, who screwed up His creation, who mocked Him, blaming Him for our own mistakes.
It seems like in these ways people get into a lot of stereo types of God. People either think God’s a really crabby old man who will zap you every time you do something wrong. Or some hippie God who loves everybody and would never send anyone to hell, and basically his main purpose is to serve us. God, though, has revealed to us, himself, what he is really like, which is not at all like our stereo types.
Yes, He is a just and righteous God, punishing those to the disobey Him. He is perfect and demands perfection.
On the other hand God is full of love. By our own selves we are not perfect, yet God instead of destroying us, came down to take our punishment for us. He forgave us a debt we could never ever pay, simply just because He loved us!
And that brings me to a thing about Christianity people mistake all the time, and it really drives me crazy because it’s so off from the true point of it all.
It’s not about not sinning, for we all sin, so in saying we have to be perfect to be a Christian is saying no one could be a Christian, cause being perfect, right now, for us is impossible.
But that’s not the point, it’s about the forgiveness, grace, redemption, and love that God wants to give to those sinners, it’s about the true joy he has for us. He doesn’t want our empty prayers, grudging offerings, our hours of sitting still in a pew, He wants us, our relationship to be restored, creation with the Creator. That’s something to truly be happy about, and to really have hope in, and it finally gives us a way to have true rest and peace.
So to all my friends who’ve stuck with me, that is why I’m not depressed this seemingly lonely, empty night.
“Why do we humans seek a god of any type, where did we get that idea? Just that we’re able to think about the idea of God is evidence for God’s existence.”
I’ve thought the exact same thing.
This post is really something to think about.