New Macbook

Well I have officially made the switch from windows to mac, and no the decision wasn’t based souly off those commercials where the cool hip guy is stands next to a Bill Gates look alike and the cool guy that represents a mac always ends up making the PC guy look like a big ol’ foo’.  Nope, but it made my decision a lot easier!  After being pretty frustrated with our one year old Vista’s cruddieness, slowness, and unhipness I decided to make my first purchase of a computer a Mac.  So far it’s not too shabby.  I’m excited cuz of the built in recording system I can use for a plethora of cool things, also the easier video editing, web cam, the fact I can save my files on a Word document when I can’t even do that on our Vista!!! (ok maybe part of that is we lost the product key to Word but it still’s stinky).  However, the fact my laptop doesn’t have two buttons on it’s built in mousepad thing kinda stinks (since I’m not accustomed to the keyboard commands).  And just adjusting to the new system in general takes some time to get use to.  Though all in all I am pretty happy and content with the new computer, considering world wide the percentage of those who could even afford a computer is so small.  So I’ll stop nit picking now about something many billions of people would be very grateful of, and see what else I need to do before school starts tomorrow.


From April 10, 2007

Tonight I feel like writing, some poetry, about life and all my thoughts. But really how can I describe this life, in some sort of original way, how can I explain a moment, how can anyone? What can I say that hasn’t already been said, do what hasn’t already been done, what can I attempt to analyze what hasn’t already been? I fail to find words to describe what’s on my heart.

This world just seems so empty full of empty emotions, empty laughter and humor, just emptiness in general. We fill our lives with empty meaninglessness everyday, I just think of all the surveys I see and fill out, and I think: what futility, what a waste of time. We just selfishly fill out every question about ourselves, does anyone even read them, no most of them don’t read them, they just copy and paste them so that they can one about themselves.

Such a waste, such a waste, all of this is, all of this entertainment. It’s like we try to fill up our lives with so many things, so we can forget reality, forget sorrow, forget our misery, forget our fate. We drown ourselves with noise, hoping to forget how depressed we are inside. But eventually the lights go off, the tv turns off, the computer shuts down, the music fades, and we are left allow in the quiet with the same dull, empty, lonely feelings.

The world is so shallow, it never fills but we want more, we keep going back for more, we try finding something in it, some meaning. When we get lonely some minds try to wonder, to better things, some start to lust, they lust the love that our hormones crave, but when we get it, we just want more. We are never satisfied; the millionaires covet the billionaires, the billionaires covet the trillionairs. It’s such a depressing world, no wonder why so many try to escape it, but that’s no cure either. All they do is for fit any hope at all and add grief to the ones who tried to care, tried and did love them. I’m not one to do that, for there is hope, we just look in the wrong places.

To think somebody died tonight, I don’t know who it was, or anything about that person, I just know they died, their life on this planet has ended. Death is such a sad ugly thing, yet people never seem to grasp it’s full implication, and seem to be way too immune to it. People play it in games, see it in the movies, joke about it. Maybe that helps people to ignore it in real life.

As long as it’s not someone too close to you, it seems to be easy to move on, like the girl at my work who committed suicide, who’s been on my mind a bit the last couple weeks.

It’s now about 3 or 4 weeks since it happened and everything seems to be going on just like it always had. Granted you don’t always know what people are really thinking, but I think in general that everyone at work has gotten over it, at least on the outside. I’ve been thinking about that girl, I didn’t really know her, she was so quite and worked in a different area then me.

Still I wonder what influence I could have had on her, if I could have been bolder in my faith, maybe like Paul, or even just been more friendly and outgoing to everyone there. Would that have changed her decision, would it have given her hope? Who knows and most likely there’s nothing I could have done, but still there’s something haunting about it.

It reminds me how life is so short, and you don’t know how much longer you have with anybody you come in contact with. It haunts, or rather, inspires me to live my life like it’s my last day, even though each day I’m too scared to do so.

I still wonder what thoughts were going through her head, and why did she do it? Why? Had she given up hope? Had she been depressed like we all seemed to have been at point or another, but just took it one step further then we’ve dared to go?
The only hope one can have in life is God. Think about it, with out a God what hope do we have? If there is no God everything is just a meaningless waste of time, all of this monotony, everyday routines, all our traditions, why am I doing it if I’m just going to end up sleeping for eternity, what is the point of doing this all?

What motivation to I have to be good or follow laws, if there’s no God, if nobody catches me, who would ever know? All they’d be doing is just ruining my enjoyment of life, for isn’t that what life is, just a survival of the fittest? Why shouldn’t I have the right to steal from the weak? Without God who’s to tell me what’s right and wrong? It’s up to man to make rules of moralities without God, so I’m man, why can’t I make up my own rules?

Or does it go by the majority, if the majority says it’s right it makes things ok, so if man says stealing, murder, adultery, is all ok, it makes it right? What else can you accept with God, just a grim fate of temporary enjoyment.

But no, there’s something inside us that screams for justice, truth, honesty, but why, why do we all agree murder is wrong, is it just a coincidence. Why do we humans seek a god of any type, where did we get that idea? Just that we’re able to think about the idea of God is evidence for God’s existence.

Why do so many humans of all walks of life, even those who are separated from the rest of humanity, have this idea of god? Why do we all have the need to love and be loved, could it be that God put it in our hearts love and be loved by Him? And could it be, the reason why the world’s so dull and empty, is because apart from God nothing can fulfill us, and He made that way so we might seek Him and be saved from our depression. Because when we seek Him and have enjoyment in Him we can really have true enjoyment in the other things he has made.

Yet in our resistance we have ruined what He has made. We try to find enjoyment in God’s creation as long as God’s not apart of it. Then when we’re not happy we just blame God for it, even though He’s the only thing that gives us true joy. Not the temporary highs of the moment, but a deep, long lasting joy, the kind of joy that when everything else fails it’s still there, in ways words can’t describe.

It’s funny how people can ignore God and push Him away, and then when something bad happens wonder where He was. The thing is people don’t realize how sinful they actually are and how so undeserving they are of anything from God. In fact God wouldn’t be any less unloving and caring to send everyone to hell right now, because that’s what we deserve. We are the ones who rebelled against Him, who screwed up His creation, who mocked Him, blaming Him for our own mistakes.

It seems like in these ways people get into a lot of stereo types of God. People either think God’s a really crabby old man who will zap you every time you do something wrong. Or some hippie God who loves everybody and would never send anyone to hell, and basically his main purpose is to serve us. God, though, has revealed to us, himself, what he is really like, which is not at all like our stereo types.

Yes, He is a just and righteous God, punishing those to the disobey Him. He is perfect and demands perfection.

On the other hand God is full of love. By our own selves we are not perfect, yet God instead of destroying us, came down to take our punishment for us. He forgave us a debt we could never ever pay, simply just because He loved us!

And that brings me to a thing about Christianity people mistake all the time, and it really drives me crazy because it’s so off from the true point of it all.

It’s not about not sinning, for we all sin, so in saying we have to be perfect to be a Christian is saying no one could be a Christian, cause being perfect, right now, for us is impossible.

But that’s not the point, it’s about the forgiveness, grace, redemption, and love that God wants to give to those sinners, it’s about the true joy he has for us. He doesn’t want our empty prayers, grudging offerings, our hours of sitting still in a pew, He wants us, our relationship to be restored, creation with the Creator. That’s something to truly be happy about, and to really have hope in, and it finally gives us a way to have true rest and peace.

So to all my friends who’ve stuck with me, that is why I’m not depressed this seemingly lonely, empty night.

Blog Coach

From Jan 15, 2007

“Mmm…” I thought to myself, “how could make my blogs entertaining? Maybe instead of them being about my real life, I could make a fiction blog about my life. It’d be more exiting, funnier, people would actually want to read them, and who knows, I could get what I’ve only heard about in legends: A SUBCRIBER.” Well, I’m not sure if those were my thoughts exactly, but never the less I went and wrote a fictional blog for pure entertainment purposes and here it is:

Lately I’ve struggled… (Wait, wait, wait! Every one knows Times New Roman is not an exciting, entertaining font at all. If I want people reading this awake, I’ll have to type it in something like: THIS!!

Ok, much better now back to the blog)… …with coming up with ideas for blogs. Unlike other people who have to resort to stealing popular blogs, or writing a blog about not being able to write a blog, or going to the kitchen to find inspiration, I did what all the truly great blog writers of blogging past did: I went and hired a blog coach.Yep, found him on e-bay and for only 9.99$ he was mailed to me with in 3 business days. Oh, how overjoyed I was to finally arrived to coach me on to blogging greatness, I opened him up and with a cheerful shigrine he said, “Hi, my name is Bob!”

And I said, “Hi Bob!” then we began blogging.

“Oh my,” Bob said as he viewed my previous blogs, “You have a blog about not being able to write a blog. That’s not funny at all, and if it’s not funny no one will read it or subscribe to it or give kudos to make you feel warm and fuzzy. Instead you should write one about not being able to read a blog, and better yet make it about not being able to read a blog cause you’re being attacked a French polar bear in Hawaii.”

“What?” I said very surprised.

“People will love a blog like that because it’s random and everyone knows random=funny, and people will be more sympathetic for you since your being attacked by a French polar bear, since everyone hates French people.”

“Are you sure?” I said still very leery of his idea.

“Of coarse I’m sure, everybody hates French people; even French people hate French people! I’m a pro blog coach, remember, I’d think I’d know what would make a blog appealing or not! So what are you waiting for! Start writing your next very random and very funny blog, to which you will give 51% credit to me after it’s, became very, very popular!” At this point our relationship was getting tense, so I started writing my blog while he went to my kitchen to eat all my deli style ham. Then I finished my blog, (and he finished my ham) but when he looked at it he wasn’t too happy. “What is this?”

“My blog.” I replied.

“It’s pathetic!” he said.

“Why?” I replied.

“It’s about George Washington playing backgammon with an omelet! The #1 rule of random blog making is to NEVER make blogs about egg products, backgammon, or dead people with the exception of Abraham Lincoln. Statistics show it tends to turn people off and make them very unwelcome, un-warm, and very un-fuzzy!”

“What’s with you and being warm and fuzzy?” I asked, kind-of getting freaked out by the whole situation.

“Warm and fuzzy is everything! I can’t eat without warm and fuzzy, I can’t breathe without warm and fuzzy; I can’t exist without warm and funny!” At this point he started hyperventilating and I had to run him to the hospital where I found that he hadn’t had his medication in the 3 business days he was being shipped. Then I told him as much as I appreciated the help, I thought it would be the best for both of us if I wrote my blogs by myself. Even if that meant that I would have to remain, still, unsubscribed, and nobody would give me kudos. So I shipped him back to Cleveland, where I think he started a blog school for the easily aggravated, and distracted by food, and overall he is better off. And I believe I am as well, as now I enter into my “NEW ERA OF BLOGOGRAPHY!

Wow, I think my fictional and real self learned some very valuable lessons. First: Randomness= more, weird than funny, and second: Trying to worry too much about entertaining and pleasing people in your blogs is stupid. So for now on I guess I’ll try to stay away too much from fictionalizing my life to make it seem more exciting.

–Love, yours truly, and most sincerely,


A question came to me: “have you ever wanted more in life?”

More in life, what an interesting concept. It seems like we all are searching for something, every human has a desire, a desire for something more. We all want to be loved, we all have that void in our life that we oh so desperately want to fill. We try to fill it with girls, sports, music, sex, money, religion, drugs, power, fame, and anything else we can find and it works, for a little while. We fill our void with the “high” we get out of these things and then the high ends and we are back down to were we started. It’s like we’re cursed or something, we know we want something, we know we need something more in life, but we don’t have a clue what it is. It’s like that song:

We were meant to live for so much more and we lost ourselves,

Somewhere we live inside, somewhere we live inside…

And then…

We want more then this world has to offer,

We want more then the wars of our fathers,

And everything inside screams for second life.

Maybe that’s it, that the thought of eternity has been placed into the heart of man. That somehow we’re aware of this idea of eternity, and right and wrong, and the thought of death, even though we rather not think about it. Yet we can’t deny it no matter how long we put it off, because at the same time there is something about eternity that intrigues us.

When you think about this, it doesn’t make sense. How can we, just some random blobs of atoms mixed together, have these sorts of thoughts about things, about wanting more to life. Why should we if we’re just tissue? Just plain tissue doesn’t have these sorts of thoughts about things, questioning the reason for its existence. If what’s real is only what we can see, touch, taste, and feel, we have no hope, for nothing that we’ve been able to see, tough, taste, and feel has ever satisfied us. There has to be a God, cause it’s impossible for atoms to just come together and feel and think this way, there has to be a purpose for our existence.

But what does this have to do with our desires and our need to be loved and want more? Really the only thing that could bring us true happiness, and fulfill our desires, is to fulfill our purpose for our existence. But WHAT is it?!?

God created us with a purpose: to glorify God, worship Him, to enjoy a true relationship with Him, so that we may experience the true happiness and love that only God can give. Yet we chose to rebel, and all that did was hurt us, because it separated us from what we really wanted and needed. Because of that God could of just easily said, “screw you, I made you and gave you everything you wanted, yet you go and dis me in my face! I’ll just wipe you losers out and just make something that doesn’t act like such an idiot!”. But no, He stuck with us and He himself went through our own punishment just so we, if we turn back to him (Jesus) we don’t have to and so we can enjoy living for our purpose again. He lifted the curse upon man so we can experience love again, to grasp the very keys of eternity, and to know that God isn’t our biggest dread and nightmare, in fact to glorify God is what we wanted all along.

This is from way back (even before I had a myspace!!) so sometime before 2006, but I think it still has some interesting things to think about in it, so give my younger self a chance and read it!

           What am I writing about. No one knows. I just keep on writing about different stuff, why? I guess I get enjoyment somehow just sitting here and writing down my thoughts, I don’t really have any other good ways of communicating, if you know me you probably know I’m not very good at talking, or with conversations. Its like there is some disconnect between my brain and my tong. But its not really that bad around people I know really well, like parents or best friends, but people I’m not too familiar with. I think most of us have social anxieties in some way, shape, or form but none of us really show it. We are all worried of what others will think yet everybody else doesn’t really care and are more worried instead about what others will think of them. And that is the undying cycle of social life, mostly centered around one person: ourselves. I admit myself that I seem to try to impress people a lot when I’m around them, showing them how cool my CDs are, my bedroom is, my sports skills, the places I’ve been, even right now in writing this column, I’m trying to show you how good a writer I am.

Writing, yea; my love, hate relationship: I like the creative part of it but hate the actual writing down part of it, and am so procrastinate with it, it makes me feel guilty any time I’m not writing something. Funny how things can get that way, huh? It is again center around me. I like the feeling of self worth I get when I write something that others really enjoy (most likely Ill try to brag about this column to somebody). I think that’s why so many of us are depressed; we try to build up so much confidence in ourselves, but our ego comes crashing down every time we do that because no matter how hard we try well never be perfect, well always make mistakes.

We’ll always embarrass ourselves in front of our piers, make a mistake in the big game, say something really stupid, and well never live up to our own expectations. And the thing is nobody really cares too much because they are all too are worried about the same things. There is a way to break this undying cycle of social life. That way is to be less concerned about ourselves and pay more interest in others. If somebody has a hurt or a need care for them and be a friend, listen to what they have to say, then maybe you’ll have someone that will hear you when you have a hurt or need.


All of what I’ve been saying though leads to something bigger something deep then even human relationships. It is the human phenomena: everybody wants to be loved. You see it in music, TV, and in our own relationships. From the time since we were babies; wanting our mothers affection, to kids; wanting our friends affection, to teens; and wanting Girls/Guys affection. Then when we cant get it we try to fill the void with everything from sports to sex, music to drugs, video games to eating, and you see it ALL OVER the place. It is all screaming out for something, some meaning to life in all the kais, but what could possibly fill this void? The answer no matter how you look at it is God, and not just any, the God of the Bible, the God who made your very being to have a deep and intimate relationship with Him. It is not by chance that the desire to be loved is in you, God put it there for a purpose: that you would come to know Him. Just think about that! The very God who set the universe in orbit, who skillfully created the complex atom, who made the human eye to see images, and the ear to ear sounds, knows you: all your weaknesses, all your faults, the dark things even your friends don’t know, and STILL love you! And has redeemed you, even though it coast Him giving up His own son to die! Now that is a love no friend or human innovation can give. God’s offering that love to you this very second, and the best part about it: its totally free! The only thing you have to do is accept Christ’s gift for you on the cross and its yours. Now this may mean a changing of your lifestyle and giving yourself up to God, but it is TOTALLY worth it! God has the best in mind for you and does all things for your ultimate benefit in heaven and His ultimate glory. It goes back again to this one point: The more we give our selves over to God the more we ultimately gain. What I am I writing about? Praise the God who knows


(From Oct 9, 2006) I learned something the other day 

I learned something the other day, and it wasn’t the first time I learned it either, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how many stories I write or songs I make up, I can’t do anything good on my own power, even if it’s to please the Lord. But it’s only by Him I am able to do anything good or worth while. I know I’ve been down on myself lately in these blogs, and that’s not a good thing. I think what God is trying to tell me again and again that on my own power alone, I won’t be able to glorify through my writing or anything that I’m doing. But only by His gracious power and strength I’m able to speak even one intelligent word. So now I’m tired of trying this on my own, I’m ready to give myself up all over again to the God who by His power anything is possible.

STOP THE ADDNESS!! (From July 21, 2007)

I needed a break, from all the stimulation. I wanted to do more blogging, more writing this summer, but the opposite has happened. Every time I’ve tried to use the computer, I get nothing done. I get side tracked by myspace, facebook, IM, youtube, homestarrunner, and 15 minutes turns into hours and hours. Its crazy , and it’s not just me. We’ve become a culture where our drug is stimulation. Just think, what if tomarrow the internet crashed and stopped working? What would we do? We’d survive, but just think off all the people (and businesses too) that’d go crazy. It’s amazing how dependent we’ve become on something that didn’t even exist when most of us were even born (at least I don’t think they had it in 1990, I could be wrong, but anyway back to the point).

If not the web, what about cell phones, iPods, TV, digital cameras, multi media in general? What if they all stopped for some reason all over the world? Besides the fact (which is still sad) that our economy would collapse and everything would be in complete chaos since everything is run on computers now-a-days, what would we do? How would we entertain ourselves? How would we communicate? We’d actually have to use our brains, think of something. We’d actually have to talk to people face to face, we’d actually have to move, and go outside, and dust off our imaginations. I don’t know if our culture could handle it. America’s so hooked on stimulation now, it’ll be hard ever to go backwards. We’re an ADD generation, attentions growing shorter by the second. How long can we go on like this before driving ourselves completely crazy?!?

That’s why I needed a break; no myspace, no IM, but take a nap, get outside, and be reminded of how much more life is. Oh Lord, I know You have so much more than this world ever will! Oh Lord, fill me with that fire again! Like You have so many times. That fire of Your Spirit that does what no form of entertainment can do: satisfy my sole. Oh Lord, fill me again!

(From May24, 2007) When was the last time… 

…you stopped and just thought about things. Not about worries and schedules and things like that but just thought. When was the last time you turned off the computer, TV, I-Pod, cell phone, and just sat looking outside with just you and your thoughts. When was the last time you just wandered aimlessly outside and just day dreamed and let your imagination go lose and uncontrolled. When was the last time you just sat outside and smelled the air and looked up at the sky and the trees and ask your self “who made all this? How did this come to be?” Oh how long has it been since I’ve stopped and let the quietness surround me and just think about things? Well right now is as good of time as any.

From sometime in the Fall of 2006:

Yes a week or so ago I turned 16, and yes I have never been kissed (except for when I have a boo-boo and my mommy and daddy come and make it all better, jk or am I?). Well anyway the events of which I am about to tell you have nothing to do with what I just said, but it might be just as strange.

Ok so it’s my sweet 16th right? So my parents had the bright idea to call and get 16 kids from youth group to bring me a two litter bottle of pop at an event the Saturday prier to the day. But the thing is at first I got only 12 bottles (which is PLENTY) but then one of our youth leaders wanted to get in on the action too. So Brian on his way to work (6:30 on my B-day) gently knocked on the cellar door to my basement bedroom (which directly goes outside) and hand delivered it to me while I was still in bed. Probably the weirdest start to a birthday I’ve had, but I’m not complaining.

To continue the day my lovely day, we went to Grand Rapids, for my ceremonial drivers test (since my grandma was the teacher she wanted my to do it there), and to make a long story short and readable: YA I FAILED THE STUPID TEST! To make the short story longer and less readable I’ll tell ya the details:

–Not because I was blazing though stop sings and hitting old ladies, oh no, I failed in part because I was OVER-cautious. But even that wasn’t so bad until coming out of a beautiful parallel park on a road barely anyone drives on, I checked once…nothing, then went pulled out, thought I had made it clear then I heard the voice of my worst nightmare as the instructor suddenly called in a loud voice: STOP!! And low and behold a white car had drove up right in front of me and so managed to destroy all hopes I had to get my license on that special, momentous day. (Oh well, I got it a week latter)–//thus ends the long story//

Ok so then we go out to lunch, I buy a couple of cd’s at a Christian book store then after a while we head to Deer River for my JV football game. And to make another long story short we lost 14-0 (don’t worry, there’s no long story this time).


, to make up for all of that, my very good friends (Aaron & Tyler™) were there and we went out to dairy queen, which was fun. And for one last surprise they were in on my pop thing too! And they didn’t just give me 2 bottle or 3 or even 4, but 9! So now I have 22 bottles… no wait I ended up with 2 more, then I drank 2 of them so let me see that would leave me with… 22 bottles!

Yes, it was a very sweet 16 indeed, one I probably won’t forget any time soon. The only thing I could ask for now from my friends is just this simple request: COME TO MY HOUSE TO HELP ME DRINK ALL THIS POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (It’s going to give me a big tummy ache, then my mommy will once again have to kiss my boo-boo)